I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
