She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
