Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
