just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
