Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The air taste purple.
Randomize
