I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
