i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
