I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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