Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize