i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
