Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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