i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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