that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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