His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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