I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
