What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I had to cum in my sink.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
