If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
