You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
