if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You don't make any sense
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