we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
