Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
