They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
