Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
