I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
