I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize