Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
