I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
