Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize