my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
