You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
