remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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