On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
