I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize