He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
