First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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