So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
