The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
