I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
