He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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