meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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