dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
