I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
