There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Houston, we have a squirter
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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