May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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