I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
