Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
