Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
