ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
