You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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