6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
