I want you more than these girls want KFC
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
