I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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