I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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