My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
