please come you make the beer taste better
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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