I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
