Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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