There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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