dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
